As you finish up the academic term, you could probably use a little stress relief. Here are a few one-liners to make you smile.
It’s finals week. While the end of the term is in sight, right now you’re up to your eyeballs in papers and final exams for your online degree program.
So you could probably use a bit of a laugh.
According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter has both short-term and long-term benefits. Short-term, the physiological changes your body goes through when you laugh – stretching muscles, increasing oxygen flow and stimulating circulation – can soothe tension. Long-term, laughter may boost your immune system and may even relieve pain.
For right now, though, it might be the mental break you need to help you refocus.
So here are some one-liners with the hope of making you smile.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on your cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
I was the best man at a wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when my prescription ran out.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t have to paint it.
You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV?’
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It’s pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
It’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
What’s your favorite one-liner?
Image Credit: Rachael on Flickr/Creative Commons
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